What we could be reading on our trips to work

By Ross Farley

The 2009 elections have come and gone. A free Jacob Zuma has and taken over as president of South Africa and Armageddon hasn’t hit. The cabinet has been reshuffled and Helen Zille marches on against the riptide of the ANCYL. Thabo who? Relatively speaking, there is a country wide calm. As Saffers, we have become so used to the chimes of electricity failure or the chorus of xenophobic violence, that when the headlines start to settle down, we crawl out from the back of the couch, look around to check if we’re about to be flanked by a “Financial Crisis, SA in recession” banner, or a “2010 to be exported to Oz” heading, and pinch ourselves to check we’re not dreaming. It has been a quiet few weeks in South Africa and the newspaper columns all seem to be filled with the remains of something you’re sure you’ve read about before. Everyone’s just waiting, poised for the next big “disaster” so that we can return to the chaos and meltdowns that we’re so comfortable with.

Within this small period of respite, I thought the time was right to have a look around and see what the rest of the world has been up to. At times like these, it is important to sit back, take a moment and realise that all countries have their own personal set of ridiculous situations to deal with. I specifically avoided Obama, Pakistan, Iran and pretty much any other zone that was likely to send me scurrying back behind the couch. Quite satisfyingly, I found sufficient material in the headlines of some of our world’s newspapers to have me sniggering like a school boy with a boner. Some local Rag in Idaho evidently didn’t find the headline “one armed man applauds the kindness of strangers” worth a giggle. I just wish they had managed an action pic of him clapping. A New Jersey local bellowed that apparently “Statistics show that teen pregnancies drop significantly after the age of 25”. Whoever said that editors don’t have a nose for the obvious?

Our good ol’ Aussie mates down under did us proud with this gem: “Army vehicle worth $74 000 goes missing after being painted with camouflage”. There is a reason this country hasn’t REALLY gone to war in the last … well … never … except their ‘participation in WW2’. In Alaska somewhere, law enforcement agencies are driving fear into the hearts of criminals with strong new operations publicized as follows: “Police begin campaign to run-down jaywalkers”. On an accidental foray into the realm of the fearful, I found this headline commenting on that violent and recurrent insurgencies throughout Iraq “Iraqi head seeks arms”. Poor chap.

There’s the occasional blooper that thoughtlessly wonders into the zone of the lascivious, like this pearler “Prostitutes appeal to Pope”. The big man would look great tied up with fishnets. One can also rely on the massive worldwide poverty grammar to provide us with howlers like “Squad helps dog bite victim” or “Dealers will hear car talk at noon”.

Finally, there are those that just plain get their meanings muddled. Nicaragua was a strong contender in this event with “Never withhold herpes from loved one” and “Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better” to its name. However, the out and out winner and personal favourite has to go to the Americans with the absolute classic: “Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984” Tee hee.

When you look at it with this perspective, you realise that South Africa is not really that insane, it’s not really that screwed up and it’s not on a slippery slope to catastrophe. It is interesting and difficult and a whole lot more exciting than some other countries. But other countries have their flaws too. I expect the South African media moguls to bring back the doomsday headlines soon. At least then I can go back to feeling safe and settled.