Strictly Come Politicking

By: Gareth Hobbs

Having watched some impressive dramatic performances from Jacob Zuma, Mosiuoa ‘Terror’ Lekota and Helen Zille, complimented nicely by the stand up comedy routine that is Julius Malema’s public speaking, I wondered what would happen if the elections were run like reality TV shows. Some possibilities could include the following … (SABC watch out!):

Survivor – Union Buildings

A strong team dominates the early stages of the show, but as the final stretch approaches, old rivalries start to surface and cracks appear, resulting in some back stabbing and defection to a new alliance in the form of COPE. BUT, will the new team be strong enough to survive the final tribal council, or will they be forced to leave the island.

Strictly Come Politicking

A marked difference is apparent between the dancing abilities of the two presidential candidates. The ANC proves to be a free flowing master of the evasive shuffle, especially when set to the hypnotic beat of the spin doctors, while COPE shows the promise of being a competent dancer who knows and follows all the correct steps. Of course, the ANC have managed to sneak a second contestant into the show who excels at taking the limelight away from the deficiencies of the presidential candidate. With the judges scores being withheld until after the final show, who knows whether they will still be in a position to have an effect on the outcome.

Political Idols

Judges oscillate between loving and hating Zuma while the rest of the contestants badger the judges to make a decision, forgetting that it is the viewing public that ultimately make the call. Zuma shows an astonishing range - with performances from M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This”, to Queen’s “I Want it All” - finished off with a fist pumping rendition of “Amandla”. Shilowa and Lekota’s duet of “I Want To Break Free” wins them support … but will it be enough? A repeat performance of “The Arms Deal Rag” by Patricia de Lille fails to impress as the public is looking for something new, and Zille is remembered as an ‘also ran’ when she does an excellent job of trash talking her opponents, but fails to deliver a vote winning performance.

The Amazing Race

In the only show that wouldn’t require a name change, teams of two compete for the ultimate prize. The ANC, represented by Zuma and Malema, manage to get through to the final stage through judicious use of the “fast forward”, which ,instead of sending them to the next pit stop, delays the impending fraud and corruption trial. In a surprise move the COPE team, initially comprised of Shilowa and Lekota, are replaced by a single player in the form of Bishop Dundala. Whether Dundala can singlehandedly manage the detours and roadblocks that undoubtedly lie ahead will make compelling viewing. Zille and de Lille, among others in the group of single entities, are all hampered from the start by being unable to be in two places at once and generate twice the media coverage. As a result, the one man shows fail to make an impact in the closing stages.

Regardless of which form the show would take, one thing is for certain: international interest in a local production would be at a record high. Now, if only we could convince the contestants that the world is actually watching and, unlike with fictitious television, investment income does not go to the country with the most outrageous performers.